This weekend I went out with a couple of coworkers, dancing. I wore this accentuating little number from an earlier pool party to go out. As much as I knew it would get me attention, something was different.
We went prancing through the streets of North Park looking to cut some rug. Not a single face or physique was on my radar. Once we got to the dark corner or a dance floor it was like me & my own two friends. Everyone else was just a part of the scenery.
Dancing for me is a form of expression. It truly enables me to feel as creative, fluid, natural, & one with the music.
The only bump & grind brings me back to being a youth again while the new age ambient & liquid edm helps me melt into the music.There was not one minute where I was worried about who was watching, who I wanted to approach, or any type of candidate that was waiting in the shadows to make me the one.
When the evening was over I was filled with love, laughter, & joy. Even if the circumstances that were unfolding around me couldn’t bring me down. I could literally dance the night away! If I didn’t get so tired by 3am..lol
I was up less than 4 hours later to honor my commitment to going rock climbing with my ex.
I really enjoy being able to voluntarily sign myself up for the challenge of mentally pushing past my own stops. The practice becomes so invigorating when compared to how it shows up when working on my business.
Noticing where I stop, when things get hard & it’s easy or automatic to talk negatively to yourself about your inabilities. Climbing a 5.5 wall is easy & requires little thought. Continuing to start there & not progress is not as rewarding as showing up every time pushing yourself to do the next harder wall than you did the last. THAT reward is so much more enjoyable because you concurred a new challenge! You pushed past your fears & pushed yourself to your limit by keeping your eye on the prize & not accepting defeat for an answer.
While climbing yesterday, I was belaying my ex as he traversed the hardest wall he’s tried to date. I had noticed a man who I’ve seen working out without a shirt around the gym several times before. In the past, I would’ve envisioned us together, feeling like he was there & we met for a reason. Thinking that I needed to approach him or make sure he was aware of my existence. But for probably the first time in my life I was completely disinterested in doing any of the above old instinctual behaviors.
I also found myself looking at a beautifully 7 month pregnant woman belay & climb with a gentlemen who may or may not have been her husband. Instead of being quickly filled with envy regarding something I didn’t have. My heart was filled with love, adoration, & inspiration. This delightful being was unstoppable. Continuing to do that what it is she loved despite any perceived obstacle.
In this moment, while tethered to my ex. I realized how amazing I felt. My heart was overflowing & my chest expanded. I really couldn’t find the words to properly depict the overwhelming sensations but it was just such a warming experience that I felt compelled to share it with him. I mean I literally was so happy, so proud, & just extremely loved.
The realization came to me that in that moment, I had realized that I had truly reached a place in my life where I had truly begun to love myself.
Love myself enough that I felt complete, that I was one FULL entity with enough love that I did not need to rush out & find someone else’s love to overcompensate for my deficit. My entire life id hoped to find someone to love me for me.
Now, giving myself love meant going out & doing things for myself that I loved. Being sure to take the time to fill my own cup so that I could fill other’s cups with my overflow. For standing for how I deserve to be treated & not continuing to subject myself to those things that no longer serve me.
In that moment I realized that I was no longer desperate to hurry up & find the one. That I did not have this overwhelming feeling of missing out or wasting time being single. I let go of the attachment to that outcome, the expectation that I was almost 30 & behind the ball, & just truly leaned back into the old stories with nothing but faith, love for my journey, & patience for what god has in store.
I AM ONE. I AM WHOLE. I AM EVERYTHING I WILL EVER NEED AS I AM! I AM MY OWN RESCUE! I LOVE MYSELF & I LOVE MY LIFE!